Geoffrey R. Kirkland
Christ Fellowship Bible Church
The Word of God speaks frequently about the importance of sexual fidelity within marriage. And it does so in an unashamed and in a clear manner. God created marriage and He also created the intimacy that must be enjoyed between a husband and a wife within the covenant of marriage. But the question remains: how should believers view sex? What is a right understanding of sex? What does the Bible have to say about sex? To answer these questions, I want to briefly give a biblical perspective of sex below under seven headings.
Sex should be:
1. Selfless
The Apostle Paul says: “Let all that you do be done in love” (1 Cor 16:14). Surely in the context of Christian living this includes marital intimacy between a husband and a wife. Elsewhere, Paul commands believers to do ‘nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; indeed, do not merely look out for your own personal interests but also for the interests of others (Phil 2:3-4). This speaks of unity among God’s people and undoubtedly this principle can be applied to sexual relations as well. Jesus Himself said he did not come to be served, but to serve and give His life a ransom for many (Mark 10:45). Sexual intimacy, then, must be a selfless act where the person’s foremost passion is to selflessly die to self and serve the other person with gladness, joy, and enthusiasm. Just as in any other realm of Christian living, even sex is to be selfless, never selfish or self-serving.
2. Holy
The marriage bed is holy. It is to be held in honor among all and the marriage bed is to be undefiled (Heb 13:4). Sex is to be holy in that it is distinct from the common and profane use of the world. Sex the way God designed it is holy because God is holy. Sex is to be unique among God’s people as it comes from the infinitely holy God. Sex is not to be worldly or common or profane or impure. Rather, it is to be gloriously distinct, unique and and wondrously Christian-like as a husband and a wife can worship Christ before and during and after coming together intimately. The entire occasion of sex should be a worshipful, a selfless, a Christ-honoring, a pure, and an enjoyable union that the couple enjoys in marriage. Why? Because it comes from God (Gen 2:24-25) and it is good (Gen 1:31).
3. Exhilarating
Just read the ultimate Song of all songs. In the Song of Songs (as the Hebrew title has it), Solomon is utterly ravished with his lover and so is the bride toward her man. In the wisdom of Proverbs, we read that it is good for sexual relations and pleasures to be enjoyed, rejoiced in, sought, desired, and yearned for (Song of Solomon 4-7)! In fact, sexual pleasures, orgasms, and enjoyable experiences are biblical! We read that a wife’s breasts are to satisfy her husband at all times and indeed they are to be exhilarated always with each other’s love (Prov 5:19). God isn’t bashful in His words to us. The love that a man experiences in marriage is to be exhilarating, intoxicating, overwhelming, and enjoyable. That’s why the lovers are told in Song of Solomon 5:1 to “Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers!” It is good and right and God-ordained for a husband to be exhilarated with his wife’s love and for a wife to be exhilarated with her husband’s love. Pursue this!
4. Exclusive
Solomon wisely counsels his son to be exclusive in his sexual conduct toward and his heart-drawn affections toward his wife. No other lovers or intruders are allowed -- none! For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress and embrace the bosom of a foreigner (Prov 5:20). Indeed, remember this: the ways of a man are before the eyes of the Lord and He watches all his paths (Prov 5:21). The conjugal union between lovers must be exclusive between a man and a woman in the covenant of marriage. Zealously, earnestly protect this -- at all costs! The man and woman are to come together and be “one flesh” (Gen 2:24-25). This is the design of God that is good, noble and Scriptural. If you’ve sinned in the past, repent of it, forsake it, bring it to the Lord in humble confession and be reconciled to God and to your mate. Be exclusive. In a world of great immorality, secrecy, fornication and perverted fantasies and images and encounters, fight with all your might to be exclusive in heart, eyes and body to your mate!
5. Protective
There’s a real sense in which lovemaking between a husband and a wife is a safeguard; that is, a protective measure. One of the ways that God calls His people to be pure and to keep away from immorality is to drink water from your own cistern (Prov 5:15) and to “let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Prov 5:18). Furthermore, those who long for sexual relations should seek to marry as a safeguard against immorality (1 Cor 7:8). Paul elsewhere says that the husband and wife must come together frequently and if they do abstain it is to only be for a shortened season for the purpose of prayer and then they must come together so that Satan does not tempt them (1 Cor 7:5). Husbands must protect their wives by seeking to romance them well, to enjoy them, to serve them, to satisfy them, to love them, to be tender with them and give them the time and affection they desire. Wives must realize that one of the ways they can serve their husbands and be used to protect their husbands is to serve, fulfill, enjoy, and please their husbands sexually and regularly. This is a God-given safeguard.
6. Communicative
Like anything else in the marriage relationship, sex must be talked about. Both lovers must talk openly, honestly and regularly about what they like or don’t like. Are there ways in which the husband is doing something that the wife doesn’t enjoy or prefer or feel comfortable with? Or same with the wife to the husband? Both lovers must communicate openly and honestly without shame (Gen 2:25) and with full honesty (Eph 4:25-26). The husband should not feel ashamed to verbally admire his wife’s body specifically by even mentioning body parts with great passion and pleasure and enjoyment (see Song of Songs 4:1-10; 7:1-9). Rather than giving into assumptions or false expectations, seek to honestly and frequently speak about these matters humbly, selflessly, honestly, and enjoyably. Communication isn’t something that takes place once in a while; it is to frequently take place in marriage. When there is conflict (in whatever place in marriage, even in sex), there was a breakdown of communication somewhere. Seek to communicate openly regarding intimacy so you can better know your spouse’s desires, wants, longings, needs, and pleasures.
7. Frequent
Biblically, sex should not be infrequent between a husband and wife. The Bible assumes that lovemaking will be regular, frequent, enjoyable and pleasurable. Proverbs 5:19 says that the wife’s breasts are to satisfy the husband at all times and that he is to be exhilarated always with her love. Paul elsewhere says that the husband must fulfill his duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband (1 Cor 7:3). Lovers must not deprive one another except by mutual agreement for a brief time (for the purpose of prayer) and then they’re to quickly and happily come back together in lovemaking so they’re not tempted (1 Cor 7:5). What God created is good and it is to be enjoyed without shame (Gen 2:24-25). Sometimes couples go months without making love or weeks without coming together intimately. Such should not be the case. A husband and wife should frequently come together with a selfless attitude of worshipful joy, thankful to God, pursuing the spouse’s pleasure, and fully engaged exclusively with one another.