Marital Sex: Some Practical Helps & Biblical Counsel

 

Marital Sex 

This blog seeks to provide helpful counsel to believers regarding the joy of sexual intimacy in a marriage between one man and one woman. May the practical helps be profitable as you seek to honor the Lord and grow in your selfless service to your spouse -- all for God's great glory.

 

Sex must be:

1. Covenantal  (only after a man/woman are married) — Before sin ever entered the world, God beautifully designed the covenant of marriage as an exclusive union only between one man and one woman. And in that covenantal union of marriage, God blesses and gives the happy union of sexual intimacy. In His gracious and good and wise design, God gives sexual pleasure and all sexual activity to be enjoyed, frequented, and overwhelmingly pleasurable only within the context of a marriage between a man and a woman. 
2. Selfless   (not self-absorbed/ self-pleasure) — The wonderful act of sexual intercourse and all sexual acts should only take place in marriage in a selfless, humble, others-oriented way for the pleasure of one’s spouse. God’s design includes the principle that it is ‘better to give than to receive.’  God calls His people to consider others as more important than yourselves and not look out for your own interests but also for the interests of others. Sexual intimacy is not to be about self and self-pleasure in any form. God’s plan is for you to meet your spouse’s sexual desires and for your spouse to meet your sexual desires. It is a mutual, selfless and beautiful picture of self-sacrificing love that emulates Christ’s selfless sacrifice for His people.
3. Frequent   (regular) — Sexual activity must be frequent in the marriage relationship. The Bible commands that sex be regular and enjoyable. And the Bible assumes that it will be frequent and exhilarating. The book of Song of Solomon models the joys of regular, frequent, enjoyable sex. Withholding sex or choosing to not have sex with your spouse is sinful (except for a very brief time by mutual agreement for the purpose of fervent prayer, cf. 1 Corinthians 7). Sexual intimacy and sexual pleasure should be enjoyed regularly. Perhaps a good word of advice might be to seek to be intimate 3-4 times per week. Perhaps it may be more frequent if your spouse so desires.
4. Worshipful  (an act of worship to God — he is watching & there) — Sex within marriage can be and ought to be a worshipful activity to the living God! How appropriate for a godly couple to pray together before intimacy and to give thanks for the joys of pleasure after intimacy. The intoxicating delights of sexual pleasure is meant to lead us to a greater union that is sure to come. That is, our beloved Bridegroom will bring His Bride to glory to receive worship forever by those whom He has redeemed. Your intimacy is never to be the ultimate, it is a means to the ultimate, namely, the worship of Jesus Christ! So enjoy your spouse. Do all that you do in manner of worship and thanks to God for the gift of intimacy and pleasure with your spouse.
5. Exhilarating   (intoxicating joy and pleasure) — Reading the book of Song of Solomon will quickly reveal how exhilarating lovemaking was between Solomon and the Shulammite. He loved his wife and she loved him and they feasted in lovemaking and enjoyed one another tenderly, honestly, exclusively, communicatively and frequently. They spoke openly to one another and they spoke passionately to one another. They were overwhelmed by the delights and pleasures of one another! Godly men are called to be exhilarated always with their wives! It is God’s design and blessing. Be ravished and overwhelmed in lovemaking with your spouse.
6. Communicative  (communicate, speak honestly to each other) — Just like anything in the Christian life, we must communicate well and honestly. This also includes the realm of sex and intimacy. You need to speak with your spouse. Find out what your spouse likes and doesn’t like. Find out what your spouse loves and really enjoys. Speak to each other. Hide nothing from each other. Remember: the Adam and Eve were both naked and were not ashamed (Gen 2.25). So you, in the same way, should be unashamed in your communication, in your honesty, in your tenderness, in how you speak to your spouse, and how you treat each other in the time leading up to intimacy, in the foreplay, in intercourse, and afterwards. Communicate like Solomon and his wife modeled in the Song of Solomon.
7. Patient  (eradicate all hollywood lies/images/scenes; be patient with each other; have fun; enjoy; there is “no standard to meet”) — Clear out all the garbage that Hollywood and social media has put into your mind. Never assume there is an expectation or a standard that you need to meet in sexual intimacy. The only standard you must meet is the God-honoring, self-sacrificing pleasure of delighting your spouse sexually. Forget all the movies and images and things that you may have seen. Never compare yourself, your intimacy, or your spouse with the godless immorality publicly paraded. Be patient as you seek to learn your spouse and please your spouse. You must communicate honestly and openly about what you like don’t like and expectations with your spouse. And do so in a timely, humble, gracious, and prayerful way. Strive to be patient with each other (as God is patient toward you!).
8. Exclusive — only a man and a woman (none else) — Of course, remember that Christ only has one Bride and He is ever and always faithful to her. Your marriage in all of its spheres is to reflect the gospel and be a portrait of the beauty of Christ’s love for His Church. So remain exclusive with one another. Enjoy each other. Ravish each other. Delight each other. Be frequent in lovemaking with each other. But ensure that your sexual intimacy is exclusive to your marriage alone. Allow no pornography, no outside intruders, no watchers and no other lovers to ever come near the beauty of the marriage bed. Keep the marriage bed undefiled and holy. 

Song of Solomon 4.16 - may my Beloved Come into his Garden and eat its choicest fruits.

Song of Solomon 7.12 - “I am my beloveds and his desire is for me …  Let us rise early and go to the vineyards; ... There I will give you my love…  (v.10-12)

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The Unique Wonder of the Sunday Gathering.

 The Sunday Gathering 

What sweet kindness we enjoy when we gather with the saints on Sunday. God’s people assembled together is a meeting unlike anything else in this world. The unity, the likemindedness, the focus on Christ, the heartfelt singing, and the study of the Word of God lifts the believer’s heart, informs the Christian’s mind, and increases the saint’s love for God. How unique and blessed are these assemblies! Specifically, the Sunday gathering is a time of:

1. Refreshment  (unlike the world) — The Sunday gatherings are refreshing times because no other worldly gathering of people can compare with the corporate pursuit of Christ that Christians enjoy. We have meetings during the week. Work demands call for our attention. Lots of gatherings exist for sports, entertainment, arts, music, or academics. But none can compare with the glory and delightfulness and refreshment of God’s people meeting in the House of God. When we gather on Sundays, it is so unlike the world that it is refreshingly sweet, like drinking satisfying water on a hot day. We need these times of refreshment for our souls.
2. Edification  (speaking words to edify) — The Sunday gatherings are edifying times because we have God-given opportunities to speak words of encouragement to other saints. When you gather for worship, before the service begins and after the service concludes, lots of opportunities arise to approach a believer and speak of Christ and His gospel. For instance, after the worship service finishes, consider how many ways you can ask a fellow believer about the sermon, reflect on it together, point out a verse that challenged you, or speak of a truth that you must hold on to this week for strength. We gather to edify and build up one another.
3. Intentional, others-oriented Service — The Sunday gatherings provide opportunities for intentional, others-oriented service. Think of how you can intentionally and proactively reach out to another person to serve them. Maybe it’s helping a family with one of their small children. Maybe it’s holding a baby so a young mom can have a conversation. Maybe it’s helping a senior saint carry his Bible and a bag from the car to the pew. Maybe it’s offering help in setting up chairs, getting the sanctuary prepared, handing out bulletins, greeting folks at the door with a smile, and offering to serve in other creative ways. But the point being made here demands intentionality and a proactive zeal to earnestly care for one another in tangible expressions of love. Through love, serve one another!
4. Instruction  (from Scripture) — The Sunday gatherings feed the people of God with the instruction from the Word. This is our weekly feeding time. This is when we gather together, as the Church, with the Church to sit under the authoritative Truth preached from Holy Scripture. We gather to hear and heed the Word. We gather to listen to the Word preached and then obey what the Word demands. We may be reminded of theological truths. We may receive exhortation to take action in a specific area of our lives. We may be challenged to think differently about a matter. We may need to change our behavior because the Spirit graciously exposes sin in our lives. We feast on Truth. We gaze upon Christ. We glory in grace. We delight in the gospel. We gather because we need to regularly, weekly, deliberately and happily fix our eyes upon Christ our righteousness, our spotless Lamb, our Life!
5. Preparation  (for heaven) — The Sunday gatherings uniquely and wondrously prepare us for a greater assembly that surely will come. One day we will stand in heaven worshiping Christ with numberless multitudes standing before the Throne celebrating the Lamb, worshiping the Lord, communing with the Triune God. Nothing in all of the world so prepares us for heaven than a theologically robust, seriously glad, fervently Christ-enthralled, biblically saturated, corporately assembled meeting of the saints. O for that day when all those for whom Christ purchased will stand together, beholding the Lamb, in utter perfection, happily at rest, ever living as conquerers forevermore, and serving God with tireless zeal for eternities without end. May your upcoming Sunday gathering be a sweet foretaste of coming glory.  Christian, appreciate, prioritize and anticipate the Sunday gathering with your Church.

The words of JOHN NEWTON express these thoughts poetically:

How welcome to the saints, when pressed
With six days’ noise, and care, and toil,
Is the returning day of rest,
Which hides them from the world awhile!

Now, from the throng withdrawn away,
They seem to breathe a different air;
Composed and softened by the day,
All things another aspect wear.

How happy if their lot is cast
Where statedly the gospel sounds!
The word is honey to their taste,
Renews their strength and heals their wounds.

With joy they hasten to the place
Where they their Saviour oft have met;
And while they feast upon his grace,
Their burdens and their griefs forget.

This favoured lot, my friends, is ours;
May we the privilege highly prize,
And find these consecrated hours
Sweet earnests of immortal joys.

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